The Sookster's Book
by Beanstalks
Summary: Sookie attempts to write a book about her adventures with the supernatural. Unfortunately, many of her friends don't appreciate her versions of them. Rated M for darker themes as the story goes on.
1. Chapter 1: Sookie's Version

_**Author's Note: Obligatory "I don't own any characters" speech.**_

_Alright. How hard can it be?_I thought. Since money was getting tight, I had decided to write about my adventures involving the supernatural world. I thought about the possible dangers of revealing some of their intricate details, but I realized that reading opens a world of imagination and wonder, so I would probably create a whole generation of readers! I would, of course, need to take some artistic lisence. Maybe by book will be made into a movie?

No way I'll have my work as a T.V. show.

_"Order up," My boss, Sammy, said sexily._

_"Order up," I said sexily to our cook, Reynold Lafayette._

_"Alright, beautiful," he said. If he wasn't gay, I'd think he'd have a crush on me. :)_

_I sexily served our patrons at our place of work, _Merlot's Bar and Grill_. I was sexily wearing a shite t-shirt with the bar's logo, wore some sexy dark pants, black sneakers and a green scrunchy to sexily tie up my blond hair and keep it out of my beautiful blue eyes._

_Suddenly, a man came in sexily. He was a vampire, and a sexy one at that. His name was Will Crumplebottom, and he moved into the old Crumplebottom place near my house, which I shared with my grandparent._

_"I'd like some O Negative," Will said seductively._

_I blushed and served him, much to the dismay of my stupid friend, Farlene, who was a bigoted, meany mean-face meanie!_

_I gasped as the Mouserays, a redneck couple, started to join him. Zack and Danielle Mouseray were talking, and eventually, they left._

_"He forgot to pay," Sammy said angrily. I decided to go after them, not because I had to, but because I didn't trust Zach and Denise. _

_Sure enough, they bound Will in silver chains._

_I snuck up on them and sexily punched Zack in the face, seccessfully knocking him out._

"That's not how it happened," Bill said over my shoulder. He and Bubba were at my house for a lovely dinner....they invited themselves to.

"Well, this is _my_ story," I said angrily. "And this is all fictional."

"Oh really?" Bill said in an unfathomable tone. "So, you are saying Sammy, Farlene and Will aren't based on Sam, Arlene and I?"

"Somewhat. Go back to drinking some of that Royalty Blended blood you brought."

_"Wow, you are such a great fighter, and I could never defeat you!" Danielle said, astonished. She picked up her husband, swore revenge, and ran off._

_Luckily I was so athletic, or else I wouldn't have been able to lift the silver chains off of Will."_

_"Wow, you are so talented and beautiful," Will said gratefully._

_"Thanks," I said modestly, even though it was so true! "I also read minds, but I....I can't seem to read yours. That's such a relief, it's much less of a headache!"  
"Will you go on a date with me?" Will asked sexily._

_"Yes, I...might."_

"Yes, that is _exactly _how it happened," Bill said from over my shoulder.

"Shut up," I responded angrily. I told them that I needed to go to bed, as I had to work late. I refused Bill and Bubba's entry to the house, causing them to fly backwards into the outside.

.........................

"Thank you, Bubba," I said in a sophisticated tone. Bubba's special abilities allowed him automatic entry into any house or property, and he let me in.

"You're welcome, Buddy," Bubba said warmly.

I went to Sookie's old laptop computer and logged on.

"Let's just have a little fun with Miss Sookie," I said with an uncharacteristic chuckle.

"Excellent," Bubba said as he pented his finger, which made me think that I shouldn't have let him watch _The Simpson's _while it was my turn to watch him.


	2. Chapter 2: Bill and Amelia's Version

_"I hear Will Crumplebottom, the new vampire in town, is very sophisticated and sexy," my grandma, Adella Hail Crackhouse. "Would you mind asking him to some to our old person's club meeting so we can talk about the Civil War, which was the most influential war in American history?"_

_"Sure," I, Cookie Crackhouse, said._

_The next day, we took a walk in the forest near my house, which was Will's idea, and totally romantic._

_"So, tell me about your life before you became a vampire," I said, even though it was too soon to talk about ones deeply personal life._

_"Well, I had three or five kids, and I became a vampire when I was 30, 29 or 28," Will said charismatically. "Depends which book you read."_

_"...What?"_

_"Nothing. You wanted me to go to your grandma's Descendants of the Glorious Dead meeting and talk about my heroic services in the Civil War?"_

_"Yes, can you come?"_

_"Of course. I would do anything for you, Cookie."_

I heard the door unlock. Amelia, Sookie's witch roommate, came in. Bubba ran outside before she came, but I had hesitated, stupidly pausing to save the story and attempt to log out.

"Bill!" Amelia said warmly. "What are you doing here, and why are you by the computer?"

"I..." I paused. I knew she would tell Sookie about this, so I told her the truth. Of how Sookie was embellishing the truth with her novel.

"I see," Amelia said suspiciously. "May I read what she wrote?"

She pushed my aside and opened up _Microsoft Word_ and read the whole thing, taking moments to mutter under her breath.

"She really wrote this?" Amelia asked, pointing to the fourth "sexily" in the story. "I'm glad I was working late. Now I get to totally prank Sookie."

"Why would you do that," I asked as I glided to the fridge for some TruBlood.

"Because she's been pretty weird ever since the last book. I'm really worried about what Book 10 will hold."

_So we finished the totally boring date and the totally boring old people club meeting and stuff. _

"But," I said sadly, "That part revealed a lot of my back-story."

"We all have to make sacrificed, Billy," Amelia said casually.

_I, being the whiny Mary-Sue I am, started to whine to the lovely Will, for a nice shopping spree. Being the great boyfriend he is, he spent a lot of money buying me some sexy clothing._

"Now _that's _more like it," I said proudly.

_"I love you, Will," I said in a totally annoying way. "You are so kind."_

_"Hey," Will said. "I may have the personality of wood, but I really care about you, Cookie."_

_Suddenly, three vampires came into the bar. They were Reese, that girl, and the guy I forgot because Sookie's stories bore me. I shall call these last two Lois and Reese._

_"Ah, Will," Lois said in a totally scary way. "That girl would make a delicious treat."_

_"Step off, Lois," Will said in a totally protective way. The other vampires scowled and left the nightclub._

"Wait," I interrupted, putting my hand on Amelia's shoulder. "First, we were shopping for clothes, then at a bar, and now at a nightclub."

"Aw, no one will notice, Bill," Amelia said with a giggle.

_The totally awesome hunk Derek came out of his office to see the commotion. _

_"Cookie Crackhouse and Will Crumplebottom," he said in a totally sexy voice. "Come, meet my second-in-command, Ham, and out bartender, Long-Goth."_

_Suddenly, Lois, Dewey and Reese came in. Angry that Eric was paying attention to a totally sexy and annoying person like me, they totally lunged at me, fangs erect._

_Luckily, my totally awesome friend Amelia Hollywood was there on a date, because she doesn't lounge around the house like me. She, being a very powerful witch, ran up, shouted a spell and totally sent the vampires totally outside._

_"Wow, you are so awesome," I totally said._

_"I almost wish I met you before Cookie," Bill said, but Cookie totally didn't hear, because she was totally flirting with Derek._

_"I know," Ham said, coming in in a totally sexy-like way. "Let's have a great big party!"_

_So we all danced. I have to admit, it was totally interesting to see Will doing the worm._

"This...." I sighed, "doesn't really make sense."

"Well," Amelia said, saving the story and closing the window. "I don't care. I really have to go to bed; Sookie and I are working early at Merlotte's tomorrow, and I'm too tired to make an intelligent try. G'night, Bill Compton."

"Good night, Amelia," I said, and watched her log off the computer and walk upstairs.

Speaking of being tired, I checked the wall clock and saw that dawn's early light would shine soon, and I needed to get to sleep.

I snuck into Sookie's vampire hidey-hole for when vampires are staying over, and drifted off to sleep.

Unfortunately, I was not alone.


	3. Chapter 3: Alcide's Version

"Eric?!" Bill shouted.

"What do you want," Eric said, clearly exhausted.

Bill decided that Eric must have come before he and Bubba broke in.

"Yes, Bill, what _do_ you want?"

He turned to look at me, angrily staring at him. I was wearing a pink bathrobe and light blue slippers.

"Sookie," he said remorsefully. "I..."

"Get out," I said, pointing to the door. "Before the sun comes out, shoo! I rescind your invitation."

Of course, Bill's body rose and gently floated out the window, which I had opened so he would bash through it.

"Sookie," Eric asked sleepily.

"Yes, honey, it's me."

Then I went back to bed.

................

Sookie had since woke up and immediately logged on to the computer. She called Sam and told him that she would be coming in the afternoon, as she wanted to work onher novel.

Sam made a joke about it being one of erotic purposes, causing an angry Sookie to yell and hang up.

That's when she called me.

"Alcide?" Sookie said into the phone.

"Yes, it is me," I said. She had only called a few times in the past few months.

"Sorry for not calling. Listen, Bill was in my house, and I don't feel safe alone. Amelia is dead tired and Eric is asleep-"

"Eric?"

"Yes. We're together, despite the fact that this fanfic author despises this pairing."

"So for the sake of the story, I better come over?"

"Yes."

So I drove to her old house up the hill and near the graveyard. Luckily, Quinn and I were in town, preparing for a Were's funeral.

Sookie was waiting for me outside, and she led me inside her home, just as she led me on for many, many books.

"I was just working on my story, Alcide," she said warmly. "I was just to introduce a handsome werewolfe named Alice Hairfeaux."

I knew she was writting about me.

She opened up her story and showed it to me. She told me to read it while she went upstairs to "do her taxes sexily."

Reading the story, I was in shock: it was like multiple people were writing the story, and Sookie was willingly coming to terms to her high maintenance.

Maybe I should help her?

_"Bill, you cheated on me," I screamed as Bill drove her home from the night-bar that sold clothing. "Derek told me that you were dating your old maker, Yolanda, behind my back!!!!!!"_

_"But," Bill said sadly. "I was forced; a maker and their child have a bond that-"_

_"Shut up!!!!!!!!!"_

_"Weren't you constantly making out with Sammy, your boss, during our time dating?"_

_"Well, he forced himself on me, and I just didn't object!!!!!!!!"_

_"Well, Cookie, maybe this is goodbye."_

_He pushed me out of his pick-up truck and waved goodbye, before driving off with satisfaction, glad he dumped my cruel ass._

_I took out my cell phone and called the totally handsome werewolf, Alice Hairveaux, whom, despite his name, was very manly._

_"Hello," he answered into the phone in a suave voice. "This is Alice."_

_"It's Cookie," I said in my whiny voice. "I need your help; Will kicked me out of his pick-up and left me on the side of the rode. Can you pick me up?"_

_"Of course," Alice said, and even though I was far away, we drove as fast as he could to come get me._

_"Even though my great pal Will probably had a good reason to kick you out,"Alice said meanly as he helped my in his manly car, "I care about you and I will help you."_

_"Care about her?!?!?!?!?!" Deborah, he girlfriend (on and off, as he just won her from a very rich shape-shifter after he dumped her, no matter what she said) called from the back seat. "I thought you loved me!!!!!!!!!!!"_

_"No, he loves _me_," I said. "_I _lead him on more!!!!!!!!!!"_

_"No, _I _lead him on more!!!!!!!!"_

_"Ladies, calm down," Alice said in a suave and manly voice. "Let's just get Cookie home and off to bed."_

_"Oh, can I come to bed?" I asked._

_"No, I am very committed to my mean girlfriend."_

_"Aw, Alice!!!!!!!" Deborah cooed, and scratched under my chin._

"Do you like the story," Sookie asked, shouting from upstairs.

"Why, yes,I do, Sookie," I said deviously. "Yes, I do."

Then there was a knock at the door.


	4. Chapter 4: Sam's Version

"Sookie," Sam said, casually letting himself in. "Sookie, I'm sorry I teased you about your novel, but you should've-"

"Sammy," I asked, "From the story?"

"What was that, Were? What story?"

"You're in Sookie's story. Here, come read it...."

He read the story at a moderate pace. I ran upstairs to check on Sookie and tell her Sam was here, causing her to have a minor panic attack.

"Oh God," she mumbled. "Is he mad that I changed the schedule on such short notice?"

"Sookie, you know Sam cares for you. He just came to check on you, to see if you were okay."

Speaking of Sam....

.....................

I was aghast by the story. Eric, Bill and Alcide were made into great, heroic men, while I just made a cameo.

Well, let's just see about that.

_Alice and Deborah brought me home and quickly drove off, leaving me on my door step._

_I was a little drunk, so I fumbled to open the door. But as soon as I did, I heard rustling. Rustling in the forest near my house. It sounded close to my house._

_"Hello," I called out sexily._

"I just might see how many times I can put "sexily" in a sentance," I said with a smirk. I fumbled with the computer and struggled to keep my spelling correct.

I wasn't a heavily educated, college-type person.

_"Who's there?"_

_All of the sudden, a small collie dog sexily jumped out of the bush sexily. It barked sexily._

_"Oh, hey there, doggie," I said, sexily using a sexy, sexy voice of comfort and sexiness. "I bet you're hungry. Come on in, eat, meet my cat Dinah."_

_Sexily, we went inside sexily. I seductively got a can of cat food and sexily gave it to the dog sexily. I sexily mixed in some bits of out sexy breakfast, some sexy bacon and sexy turkey bits, mixed sexily with sexy toast crust sexily._

"Alright," I breathed. "No more teasing, no more sexy; this is annoying."

_The dog barked lovingly, and we cuddled on the couch, watching some Discovery Channel. Every time a dog or rodent appeared on the screen, I would mercilessly demean the dog by pointing to it and telling the dog to go get it._

_But I realized the dog needed a name._

_"I should call you.....Dan! Like Dan Akroyd!"_

_The dog responded by barking and cuddling up with me. I gave him a hug and we fell asleep on the couch._

_The next morning, I woke up with Sammy, the bartender and my box, cuddled up in my arms._

_"Sammy," I said softly, and gently kissed his head. Then I realized what was happening and screamed..._

"Hey this is great!" I said with a laugh. "Writing a novel is easy!"

_...Sexily._


	5. Chapter 5: Eric's Version

Night fell, and Sookie was escorted to work by Sam. Alcide left before, and Amelia told me all this before she left for work much later.

I woke up in a tired tone or way, then flew down the stairs to drink some TruBlood. As I took it out of the microwave (fifteen seconds, good, good) and noticed the computer, opened to what appeared to be the story Sookie claimed to be writing. Good, good.

Well, being the jerk I was, I speedily read it and decided to add my own works, since "Derek" wasn't getting enough sexy spotlight

_"GET AWAY FROM ME!!!!!!!" I screamed sexily. I pushed him away and called the police, but they didn't believe me._

_"Come and get it, Cookie," Sammy said deviously, and held up a knife._

_I panicked and ran into the kitchen. I took out a pan and threatened to hit Sammy with it. I didn't want to hurt him, so I kept far away._

_"I only want to play, Cookie," Sammy said. "Good, good."_

_"No, NOT good, good," I screamed. It wasn't good, good._

_I threw the pan at him, and while he rubbed his new head wound, I ran outside and took out my cellphone to call the sexy, sexy Derek._

_"Derek, I need your sexy help, I said sexily."_

_"Never fear, Cookie, for I, the very very sexy and manly and hot and handsome and talented and smart and tall and sexy and good at sexy and clean and dirty-minded and awesome and excellent Derek Southgirl shall sexily help you!"_

_Using his amazing vampire speed, he immediately reached my home. He punched Sammy in the face and flew upstairs to greet me._

_"I'm here, Cookie, nothing to worry about," he said valiantly and bravely and sexily._

_"Oh, Derek," I said attractively. "Let's have sex."_

_And so we did. We _[[Omitted by FanFiction(dot)net]] _with butter and_ [[Omitted by FanFiction(dot)net]] _with a hose and a wig shaped like a poodle. it lasted 13 hours and it was amazing._

_"Wow, Derek, you are so great."_

_"I know, I'm a natural," he said sexily and amazingly._

_Suddenly, that stupid Sammy burst in through the door, screaming his head off._

_"Never fear, Cookie!" Derek said excellently. "I shall save you!"_

_"Please, Derek, please!" I screamed. "Good, good!!"_

"Good, good," I said, petting my fingers. "Good, good, indeed."


	6. Chapter 6: Eric and Quinn's Version

"Good, good," Eric said.

_Derek, using his mighty vampire muscles, punched a hole in my ugly wall, grabbed Sammy by the throat, and valiantly and heroically dangled him out the hole._

_"Now, listen here," he said bravely and sexily and amazingly to stupid Sammy. "You leave my Cookie alone, she's mine!"_

_"Oh, Derek!" I said. "You are so manly."_

_"Please don't kill me, sir!" Sammy said with a stupid sob._

_I just chucked. "Of course not. Get away, you sniveling creep, or else I will kill you."_

_But it was too late. When Derek excellently put him down, the stupid Sammy went the wrong way and fell to his death. Derek valiantly went to clean him up and bury him next to that stupid Deborah, who was also dead._

_Then we did it again._

_Bam! Bam! _Once again, the door shook as I knocked. I realized I had the key, so I used it to unlock the door.

"Hello?" The voice of Eric was in the house. I saw a motion in the shadow as Eric quickly appeared.

"Well, if it isn't Mr. Clean," Eric said with a laugh. "Who said you can come in?"

"I need to talk to Sookie," I said, ignoring his comment about me.

"Good, good. She's out at work, and she's with me now, got it, bub?"

"I _get _that you're in my way, and Sookie's way. Leave us, vampire."

"Make me, shifter." He pushed me, causing me to hurdle into the forest.

I got up and transformed into a tiger, then snuck up and bit him on his right ankle. He countered be grabbing my tail and flying me to the top of the roof, then dropped me.

Thinking quick, I extended my claws and dug into a windowsill, then transformed into a dark bird. I flew down and entered the house before Eric could see me.

I transformed into a monkey, a small, dark monkey, and hid under Sookie's computer.

Curiosity got to me, and I looked at the computer scree. I only read the first and last bits of the story, and realized that the story was missing something.

_"You monster, Derek," I said. "First you stink at bed, then you kill Sammy."_

_"But..." he stumbled. "You were _my_ best."_

_"Get out, your invitation is rescinded."_

_Derek flew out the hole and let out a girlie cry. I could hear him sobbing like a little girl as he walked home to his stupid ugly nightclub._

_I hoped he would burn up in the morning sun._

_"I need a real man," I said to myself, and dialled one._

_Jake Quint, a wereliger and a _real _man._

_Like a real man, he made it quickly to my house. He was tall, athletic, muscular, and even though he was bald, totally _didn't _look like Mr. Clean._

_"Derek was an idiot and bad in bed," I said in a romantic tone. "Let's make some you-know-what."_

_"That's what I'm here for, babe," I said, and climbed in her bed._

_After a two-night romp, we finally went back to our old life together. I kept working at Merlot's, and Quint worked at my super-glamorous job as a super-model/vampire-hunter. His first job was to kill Derek, who miraculously survived his trip to the club._

_"Hello, babe," Quint had said flirtatiously to Ham. "I'm here to...meet your boss."_

_"Right this way, handsome," Ham said, and, obviously enamoured by him, led him inside._

_"Are you..." Derek was astonished to see him. "Quint? The super-model/vampire-hunter? Because vampires are inferior to shape-shifters in almost every way?"_

_"Yes, babe," Quint said, holding out an M-80 that shot out several stakes in a fifteen-second average speed. "And Cookie is mine now. She doesn't mind that I care about my mother and sister, especially since they need me a lot more. And Cookie never talks about her brother all the time."_

_"No," Derek breathed, and cowered against a wall. "No!"_

"Perfect," I said with a deep, rumbling laugh.

"What is?" Eric had come in, fangs erect, his hands foreward. "Oh, you will pay, shifter. Good, good."

Luckily (not that I couldn't take the jerk on myself), Sookie walked in with Amelia. Needless to say, they were both horribly shocked.


	7. Chapter 7: Amelia and Eric Work Together

"Now, what's going on here," Sookie cried out. I looked at a surprised Eric and a half-human, half-monkey Quinn. "Quinn, why are you here?"

"I...." He paused and looked away. "I wanted to talk to you, about our relationship."

Eric growled. Everyone went quiet, until Sookie said, "Fine. Quinn, we'll discuss it in my bedroom, where no one can listen in. Amelia-" she turned to me "-watch Eric."

So Eric and I sat quietly at the dinner table. After a bit, he told me about what happened with him and Quinn.

"I know what will help," I said, giving him a hug. "Let's prank Sookie by ruining her story."

"Already ahead of you," Eric said with a fanged smirk.

"Aw, look what Quinn did to the story!" I called out.

"Let's just delete it and--"

"No, let's keep it, make the story more...creative."

"Good, good."

_Derek had laughed meanly. "Do you really think you, a stupid shifter, can stand up to a mighty vampire like me?"_

"Hey, that's mean," I said. "You know, I've dated shifters, smart and sweet ones. Oh, Tray..."

"Alright, yeesh." Eric rolled his eyes.

_"Oh, babe, you will, like, totally pay," Quint said, and shot 3 steaks at Derek, who easily dodged._

_Quint then realized he was out of steaks._

_"Ha ha," Eric said amazingly and in a totally hot voice. "Now who is the mighty one, Mr. Clean? Good, good."_

_"Shut up, I'm not Mr. Clean, babe!"_

_"Good, good!"_

_"And stop saying that!"_

_"Stop saying what?"_

_"'Good, good.'"_

_"What? I _never _say that."_

"I would never say that, witch" Eric said with a grumble. He tipped the chair to the side and sat. I jumped into his lap and laughed.

_Derek totally grabbed Quint my his dirty shirt and threw him out the door. Everyone in the bar was in shock, but then laughed as Quint totally whimpered and ran out._

_"Lovely evening," a hot woman said. "I simply _must _ask that young, blond, sexy vampire out on an evening."_

_"Sorry, miss," Eric said in a hot and totally modest tone. "I'm taken."_

"Alright, this is good," Eric said with a wicked giggle. Sookie just moaned.

_Speaking of which, he called me, and like a good, dutiful woman, I made it over here as quickly as possible._

_"Oh, Derek!" I said, wrapping my arms around his neck and delivering a romantic kiss. "Take me home tonight, right beside the red fire light."_

_"Not so fast," Derek said in an erotic voice of his. "You betrayed me."_

_"Look, I was lying about Quint," I said, starting to cry like I always do. "You are the best, my one true love."_

_"But to prove you really are committed, you must make out sexily with Ham."_

"This is getting hot," I said with a lustrous giggle. I saw Eric give the screen a greedy smirk.

_Ham walked seductively to lips totally met in a hot way, and there was tongue. After that, they continued, totally ignoring everyone in the room._

"Okay, now she's ignoring me."

"Keep your pants on, Eric."

_"Derek," I said with a sigh. My face was bright red. "I'm sorry, but...I think I'm a lesbian."_

_My totally and very sexy friend Amelia Hollywood applauded. Everyone in the club joined her. Her boyfriend, Rally Moosun, was there, too, and he was not dead because Book 9 was a contrived mess and he didn't deserve to die. So let's just pretend Dead and Gone never happened, okay?_

"What's _Dead and Gone_," Eric asked. But before I could respond, Quinn walked down the stairs with a big smile on his face. Sookie was blushing like there was no tomorrow.

"Glad we could have this talk, Sookie, I think we made real progress in our relationship tonight," Quinn said as he opened the front door and walked out. "See you later, some time."

"Right back at you, Quinn," Sookie said, waving.

She turned to us. "What?


	8. Chapter 8: Sookie's End

**Author's Note: Here's a fun drinking game: Every time "sexily" is written here, take a shot. You'll be dead before the chapter's over. Also, I bet you didn't know "abstinence" could be used as an adjective.**

"Get out," I screamed angrily, pointing Amelia and Eric upstairs. They hesitated before obeying my orders.

Frustrated, I turned towards my computer. I figured that I could use this experience for my novel, and make it more realistic.

I also figured I must have forgotten to turn it off.

Not bothering to read what was on the screen (Hey, I wrote it - I already knew what had happened), I started to write.

_My Grandma and I lived in this large house atop of a hill. Its not a very sexy or big house, just large and quaint._

_"Will called, my dear Cookie," Gran said._

_We had been dating for two weeks now, and had since had many adventure together._

_"Thanks, Gran," I said sexily, giving her a kiss on her forehead._

_I let her read her book and pet my cat Dinah while I went to bed._

_Suddenly, I saw someone staring at me from the window sexily. I leaped out of my bed, wrapped my sexy body in a pink robe with yellow ducks around the waist, then opened it. Will sexily flew in._

_"Oh, Cookie," he said. I gasped, as the way he said it made me chill._

_"Will," I cooed._

_"Let's do it romantically," he said sexily._

_"No," I said abstinently. "I want to wait for the relationship to grow first."_

_"You are so virtuous."_

_He gave me a kiss on my lips and flew out. Then I sexily jumped into a night gown and drifted off to sleep sexily._

"Oh, this is good," I breathed. "And I'm losing all my anguish in this fictitious world.

_The next day, I went to work. As usual, Sammy couldn't control himself and sexily pushed me against the wall so we could make out keenly._

_"Stop it," I said angrily, and pushed him away angrily. "I would _never _cheat on Will like this!"_

_"Will could never satisfy you like I can, Cookie," Sammy said seriously. "He's dead, stone-cold dead, and I'm alive and a shape-shifter. I can give you children, and I can love you more."_

_"Oh, Sammy, let's just keep this professional..."_

_"Cookie, I hate these mind games." And with that, he walked off sexily to work the kitchen with Reynold._

_For the past few weeks, fang-banger (Humans that are vampire groupies, so to speak) women all across town have been killed sexily. And my brother, Jackson, was the prime suspect._

_I was visiting him sexily in jail. "Oh, Jackson, I know you didn't do it."_

_"Thank you, Cookie," Jackson said sadly. "But I have no alibi, and since I sleep around and ruin the Crackhouse family name all the time and put your Barbie doll in the microwave when we were kids, they think I killed all those women after I sexed with them."_

_"Jackson, I swear to God that I will free you, my brother, who I care deeply for even though he tricked me into witnessing his wife's affair in book 8."_

"Wow," I said, eyeballing the computer in shock. "I put up with so much in my life."

_I sexily ran outside, where Farlene's fiancee sexily picked me up._

_"Oh, Cookie," he said romantically. "I know I'm going to marry Farlene, but it is _you _that I love!"  
"No," I said valiantly. "I must sexily decline your offer, for I am dating Will, and I would never betray my friend like that."_

_"Then if I can't have you...no one will."_

_He sexily pulled out a gun and erotically pointed it at my temple._

_Thinking fast, I leaped out of the moving car. Renee, being the driver, quickly stopped the car and immediately jumped out of the car, leaving it sexily in the middle of the Parish road so he could chase me through a graveyard._

_I was trapped. It was daytime, so Will couldn't help me, and Sam didn't know where I was, and even if I called him and told him what was happening, I sexily forgot my phone in the car._

_I hid in an empty grave and listened to Renee's thoughts. Since he was the only other _living _person in the graveyard, I could hear his thoughts clearly._

_It turns out that he's been killing fang-bangers because his sister was one, too, and he killed her, and he disapproved of his sister dating a vampire for some reason._

_He grabbed my hair and sexily lifted me out of the grave, then threw me against the ground._

_He held out his axe and aimed, but as he brought it down, I sexily and quickly moved out of the way and kicked my feet fore-ward, successfully pushing him down and making him drop the axe._

_Quickly, I grabbed the axe quickly and sexily pointed the head at him._

_"Renee," I said sexily, readying to use my catch phrase. "You under arrest, suger."_

"Wait," I said to my self. "What am I thinking?"

_"Renee, I said sexily, readying to use my catch phrase. "You sexily under arrest, baby."_

"Perfect...Well, not really. But that will do."

_So I became a greathero and freed my brother. Bill sexily moved into me, but Dinah and Gran were sexily killed by the flirtatious Italian or Mexican Renee before. _

_We did it passively..._

For four pages.

_...and sexily. Then we had a romantic candle light dinner and danced romantically._

_The Sexy End_

"That was easy," I said, and printed the story out.

I then called out to Amelia and Eric, "I'm going to print my story now."

For some reason, they both started to giggle, so loud I could hear them clearly. Soon, those giggles burst into laughter. But I was too busy with my new success.

Of to the publishing companies!

**Author's Note: Well, hope you enjoyed it. Stay tuned for the epilogue.**


	9. Chapter 9: Epilogue

"Hello, and welcome back to the show," said the show's host to the audience and viewers. "Today, we have a special guest, author of the New York Times best-seller _Dud Until Night_, Sookie Stackhouse"

Sookie had since become an overnight success, and now was on a talk show broadcasting from Texarkana. The audience cheered wildly.

"Sookie," the female host said, "your story is being hailed as a great welcome from the mainstream vampires in today's literature, breaking away from the vampire fad. Where did you get your ideas?"

"Well," Sookie said in a modest tone, her face red as the audience stared at her with anticipation. "I draw mostly from past experiences. You probably heard about how I was in the Pyramid of Gizeh explosion a while back."

"Yes, you're a true hero." The host, Opal Koboi, flipped through her cue cards and said, "Your characters are regarded as being not only well-developed, but also symbolism, like how Derek serves as a symbol for sexuality, Will for sophistication, Quint for raw animal instinct, Amelia Hollywood for links in friendship, Alice for reliability and trust, and Sammy for raw, sexual energy."

"Yes, I....What?"

Since they were broadcasting at night (Prime-time, especially with vampires), all the vampires were able to watch Sookie on their television. Eric, Pam and their bartender [[Insert vampire here]] were laughing at Fangtasia, Bill, Amelia, and Quinn giggled in Sookie's home, and Alcide, Jason and Sam were entertained at Merlotte's.

"You know, like in the scene where Cookie has relations with Derek," the host replied. "Or when Quint is said to be a better lover?"

Eric stopped laughing, but Pam, bartender, Sam, Bill, Alcide and especially Quinn laughed hysterically.

"Wait, I don't remember--"

"Or when Quinn is humiliated in the club, or when Will is a stalker?"

More of Sookie's friends went silent.

"Or when Ham is just a sexual deviant?"

Pam snickered.

"Or how Amelia Hollywood is just a party-girl?"

"Wait, wait," Sookie blurted out. "What are you talking about?"

"Clearly," the host said in an accusing tone, "you meant for all the characters to symbolize good forms, while also simultaneously making them look like, so to speak, monsters. Are these what you see your characters as?"

"Well, they're just characters," Sookie mumbled. "But I guess they're not really friends."

"Nevertheless, these well-developed characters, including their perky and very, very sexy friends have made you a great success, inspiring many, many readers. You even got a movie deal!"

"Well, I guess...I can't take all the credit. I feel as though my friends did all the work."

She smiled endearingly to the screen, and all her friends were heart-warmed.

"So, Sookie," the host said. "We loved this book, but will there be any more?"

Sookie hesitated. But then she looked at the audience and said, "Maybe. If people like it, maybe I should. But let's hope I'll have the help of my friends."

The audience awed.

"Now, Sookie," the host said. "This 'Bubba' character of yours has since become a huge hit."

Everyone involved with writing Sookie's story just let their jaws drop. None of them wrote about Bubba, just themselves.

"Bubba," the host continued, "has been hailed as the most masculine, amazing vampire, having seduced both Sookie and Amelia, and had been written in the most erotic scenes of the book. Surely this God among vampires can't actually be based on a real vampire?"

"Well," Sookie stated in shock, and brought her microphone up close to her face. "Bubba is...a great vampire and an amazing friend. And he's probably as great in real life in as he is in the story."

Somewhere, Bubba was watching this program and giving Sookie a toothy smile.


End file.
